How to write a novel - Old

How to write a novel

A crash-course by someone who’s done it before and will do it again

Step one will be getting rid of all the “I can’t write a novel because *something, something, blah, blah*”isms. Here’s a short list of the most used ones and why they’re lame:

I can’t write a novel because I’m too busy.
Wrong - All human beings need rest - and I don’t mean just sleep. Come on, admit it, you spend some time each day reading, watching TV, surfing the internet, et cetera. I’m not going to ask you to stop doing these things, I’m going to ask you to consider doing more than one thing at a time, and maybe cut down some of the time you spend on those activities. “but you just said that I need y rest!” you say? Well, learn how to use writing as rest. More about that later.

I can’t write a novel because I have no talent.
All human beings have what it takes to write a novel - imagination. Hey, I didn’t say you were writing a bestseller, writing a novel for the sheer joy of writing a novel and all the different sides of that is what counts here.

I can’t write a novel because I don’t know what to write.
Oh, come on! You’ve been daydreaming since before you could spell it. Besides, all you have to do is pay attention to those around you… Not only does stuff happen that you can modify and write about, but people have a hang to tell each other stories. Kidnap ‘em.

I can’t write a novel because my vocabulary isn’t big enough/I’m not used to using the language that way.
Actually, novels written in fancy-pants language, stuffed with big words and hopeless metaphors aren’t GOOD novels because ‘regular people’ won’t benefit much from them. So there.

I can’t write a novel because I don’t have the patience.
Do you want to write a novel? Then write a novel. Don’t you want to write a novel? Stop reading. Ups and downs are a part of everything, but I’m pretty sure that you’ll find it worthwhile.

I think that pretty much covers it, but if you have other great reasons for why you can’t do it, just e-mail me and I’ll trash them.

Step two - getting started.

No, step two isn’t some fancy ‘plan it all to bits, put up character sheets and storylines and whatnot’, it’s plain writing.
Of course, planning is good but not if it gets in the way of the actual writing. I suggest putting up a goal sheet with several different possible goals for each day, if you like that sort of thing, like a word count a minimum, an ideal, a “great!” one, or maybe progression in the plot, or even number of llamas introduced. Your imagination is the limit, and it’s YOUR novel.

The beginning is usually the hardest part, so I suggest writing something nonsensical and thinking ‘fuck that, I’ll fix it later.’ Possible starts could be someone’s freaky dream, an accident, someone cooking breakfast, a random panic attack, a description of something like scenery or a pair of scissors, anything. The only thing that’s not allowed is “Hi, my name is ****, I’m *** years old and I live in ****, ****”. If you write that little green elves will come to your house and eat you alive.

Step three - KEEP WRITING!
The first day of writing a novel Is usually magnificent, you write several pages, think that you have a story, fall in love with your main character and feel alive. Then the previously mentioned ups and downs show up. My suggestions for flattening out the dumps are buckets full of tea, chocolate, a trip to the movies, sobbing helplessly on somebody’s shoulder, a hug and writing something you’re not supposed to, feel guilty about it and then find some crazy way to include it in your novel. Anything and everything is allowed as long as it doesn’t include abandoning novels. Novels are like kittens, if you abandon them their ghosts will haunt you forever.

Step four - The end is in sight!
Get ready for the biggest rush of your life. Now, here’s a little something I didn’t warn you about before: Writing a novel is addictive, and the more you repeat it the bigger the chance is for you repeating it again. There is also a great risk that you will get better at it. And, alas, there’s a great risk that you’ll feel like nothing can stop you and that you’ll celebrate your new novel a bit too… over the top. Google ‘hangover cures’ for this step.

Step five - Reading what you wrote.
Err… In fright of being a hypocrite, I’ll just say that you don’t have to rush this one. This is a ‘how to WRITE a novel’ crash course, not a ‘how to READ a novel’ one.


Warnings:
You will, in your mind, criticize everything you read from now on. Congrats, you are entitled to do so, too. To a certain degree, of course.